YOU Magazine - April 2010 - Lessons from Apologies in the Media 5 Secrets to Offering (and Judging) Apologies By Emil B. Towner, PhD
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Lessons from Apologies in the Media
5 Secrets to Offering (and Judging) Apologies
By Emil B. Towner, PhD


Lessons from Apologies in the Media - 5 Secrets to Offering (and Judging) Apologies - By Emil B. Towner, PhD

Anyone who has paid attention to the news in recent weeks has seen a wave of apologies filling the headlines–from the CEO of Toyota to world-famous golfer Tiger Woods and even Pope Benedict's rare apology to victims of priest abuses in Ireland.

Those apologies present an opportunity for people – especially parents – to examine not only what's going on in current events, but also what makes a good apology.

The fact is, not every apology is a sincere statement of remorse. Many apologies in the media lack some of the components needed for forgiveness to occur. Some even come across as pseudo apologies or non-apologies. For example, an apologizer may say something like "I'm sorry you felt that way" or "I'm sorry if my actions offended anyone." Both of these statements fail to acknowledge that a wrong was committed – and both position the victim as the person who has a problem.

Unfortunately, the same problems can be found in the apologies you receive from your friends or even say yourself.

To help judge the sincerity and appropriateness of apologies (and teach children what makes a good apology), focus on and follow the 5 secrets to saying: S.O.R.R.Y.

S = Social Contracts and Values

At the heart of every apology is a discussion about values. Here's why. Values help maintain a sense of order in a society. By accepting those values, a person accepts the terms and conditions of membership in a specific group.

But when someone violates one of those values, it upsets that natural order – which results in conflict for the society as well as a sense of guilt and a loss of membership for the individual. To alleviate the conflict and be reaccepted in the group, the offender must expunge the guilt by offering an apology.

Through the apology process, then, people are actually negotiating their values. In other words, they're making claims about what's important to them, how they live together, and what they expect from one another.

So when a person offers an apology, that person is actually acknowledging that he should not have broken the value, and that he will live by that value going forward.

Lesson #1: Before offering or accepting an apology, make sure the focus is on the right issue. Ask yourself: What is the underlying value that was broken? For example, if a husband apologizes for not doing the dishes, the dishes aren't really the issue. The deeper issue probably relates to the values of "sharing the burden of household chores" or "respecting your spouse's time." Make sure the underlying value is the main point of the discussion and the apology.

O = Ongoing Exchanges

Rather than think of an apology as an individual statement, it's helpful to think of it as an ongoing exchange. That exchange takes place between a person (or group) who has been offended or victimized by another person's (or group of people's) action.

That means the person apologizing has to be open and responsive to the feelings, concerns, and needs of the people who were offended. Simply stating a half-hearted apology won't do. If the victim feels the apology doesn't go far enough or accept enough responsibility, the person must issue another apology to help address those concerns. Otherwise, forgiveness can't take place and the issue will continue to fester.

Lesson #2: The key here is ongoing communication. If you're not satisfied with an apology, don't give up or forget the matter. Challenge apologizers to reflect on what they did, how it hurt you, and what they need to say and do to earn your trust and forgiveness. On the same token, if you're offering an apology, make sure you are receptive to and address the feelings of the people you've offended.

R = Relinquishing and Rebalancing Power

We've all seen people say they're sorry without sounding very sincere or without truly asking for forgiveness. Often, such apologies are ineffective because the apologizer either refuses or is unable to relinquish power.

It may seem odd at first, but apologies are actually a rebalancing of power.

When someone disrespects or harms another person, they actually assert some sort of power over that person. The situation is reversed when a person offers a sincere apology and asks for forgiveness, which puts the apologizer in a vulnerable position – that is, at the mercy of the victim.

Through the apology process, then, there is a temporary reversal of power that eventually leads to a normal balance of power after the apology is accepted. This rebalancing of power is the foundation not only of healing and forgiveness, but also of the relationship as it moves forward.

You won't hear a lot of people talk about this aspect, but the reality is, the inability to relinquish power is enough to undermine any apology – even if a person says all the right words. It's that important.

Lesson #3: The next time someone offers you an apology that doesn't seem sincere, ask yourself if that person has actually put himself or herself at the mercy of the victim. On the same token, if you're apologizing, make sure you do so with an open, honest heart that relinquishes power and seeks forgiveness. Remember, apologies are about much more than just a few words.

R = Reparations and Corrective Action

This part of the process is all about making amends and moving forward. If a person committed a wrong that damaged someone else or their property, some type of reparation must be made to help the victim overcome the damage.

Victims also want to know that the wrong won't happen again. That means the apologizer must discuss what he or she will do going forward to eliminate the potential for wrongdoing. For example, a celebrity arrested for drunk driving might mention as part of the apology that he or she is enrolling in an alcohol treatment program. Similarly, companies that recall products often mention new safety processes as part of their apologies.

Lesson #4: Apologies aren't just about the past; they're about the future of a relationship. For that relationship to move forward the apologizer must make amends for the past as well as prevent wrongdoing in the future. Before you accept any apology, make sure you feel comfortable that both of those aspects have been addressed. Likewise, make sure you address those aspects in apologies you offer. 

Y = Your Needs and Expectations Are Important!

Victims and offenders typically approach apologies with different goals or expectations in mind. As Aaron Lazare wrote in his book, On Apology, the person apologizing typically wants to:

  • Expunge guilt,
  • Avoid or lessen punishment, and
  • Repair damage to his or her reputation.

The victim or offended person, on the other hand, usually seeks one or more of the following:

  • A restored sense of dignity and safety,
  • Assurance that the harmful act was not their fault,
  • Some kind of reparation,
  • A meaningful discussion about the act and the pain that resulted from it,
  • The chance to see the offender suffer, and
  • Reassurances that the offender shares the same values as the offended.

The important thing to remember is that both sides have different expectations in mind. But in the end, the goals of both must be woven together for an apology to be successful and for the relationship to be reconciled.

Lesson #5: Keep these goals in mind. If you are offering an apology, make sure you aren't putting your own expectations above the victim's needs. On the other hand, if you are receiving an apology, make sure your expectations are met. Too often people feel they must accept the first apology that is given. Instead, keep in mind that an apology is an exchange, and request additional aspects that you feel are necessary to overcome the wrong and heal the relationship.

Emil B. Towner received his PhD from Texas Tech University. He studies and writes about how corporations and people respond to allegations of wrongdoingincluding justifying their actions, denying an event took place, or accepting responsibility and apologizing. Learn more and read analysis of popular apologies at http://emiltowner.com.




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